It's been so long...
Thursday, April 16, 2009 | Labels: john feltham, personal, ramble |
December 9th, 2008
Even now, after I’ve more or less forced myself to write something, I’ve been sitting here staring at this blank document for a good 30 minutes. Why is it so difficult to put my thoughts together these days? I started this blog years ago with the intention of keeping track of the madness that is my life; however, somewhere along the way, I’ve lost the passion, or perhaps discipline, to keep things updated on a regular basis. And, the more I think of it, I guess the same can be said for most other things in my life as of late.
It’s hard to believe that its’ been over a year since I packed my life up and moved back to Newfoundland. I remember leaving this place over seven years ago, sitting on the deck of the ferry as we crossed the gulf, and watching the rocky landscape fade away, thinking to myself that I would never return. Famous last words… as the years passed, I became increasingly more connected with my homeland and with each visit back to this unique land I found it harder to return to the dreaded mainland.
Add another three weeks…
Here I am again, wow… I managed to scribble down two weak paragraphs and disappeared again for the better part of a month. Well, I’m back, so let’s try it again…
It’s been a trying year, in a lot of ways, since returning back to Newfoundland. I can’t even begin to outline the drama and uncertainty involved in our departure from Windsor to here, but, alas, life tends to work itself out if stay positive (somewhat) and give it enough time. My life was a whirlwind before coming here last summer, and the extended vacation was supposed to be breather, but, with the job offer and decision to move back, well… the waves continued to crash into the inner most part of my rocky soul. In a lot of ways, things couldn’t be better but it took time to adjust. And, now that today marks the first real snowfall of the year, my mind has been wandering back to the depths of last winter’s deep and dark depression.
Hindsight is a motherfucker. The cyclical patterns are so easy to piece together now that I’ve long since removed myself from the glum of last year’s never ending winter season. And, I’ve told myself that there is no way I will return there… No way. But can you blame me? I went from having an indispensable income, and traveling on almost a monthly basis, to being stuck in the center of one of the worst winters in recent history. Add the fact that my car was in disrepair for the worst portion of the winter. So, I was on foot (in what felt like the high arctic), with the minimal of a friend network coupled with a mounting debt - a stranger in a strange land. Which was extremely hard to grasp, given the fact that I grew up here, but, everyone I knew, or cared for, had also packed in and moved away long ago. It’s not to say that we didn’t make friends fairly quickly, but, it felt as though not matter how much we did (or what we did) there was a looming emptiness. This in turn created a sequence of self indulgence, regret and further indulgence to rid one’s self of that remorse - each time digging a larger hole. And, the trouble with finding yourself deeper in a hole is that sooner or later it becomes harder to see the light (especially when there literally is no light from the sun to see). With that said, after a series of unfortunate events (which in turn opened our eyes in a lot of ways), Dani and I having been guiding each other not to fall into that hole again. Keep active, stay healthy, and live in the moment!
What else?
For the most part, summer was a blur. We had so many visitors come and go, mixed numerous with trips of our own, that it seemed like the season just came and went overnight. I purchased a new boat…
Oh look another month has passed..
It’s 2009! Where do I start.. Hmm..
And.. Here I am again! It’s April 16th and I found this pathetic file while trying to remove a nasty virus from my computer. The short synopsis is that I am getting married in almost three weeks and Dani is 18 weeks pregnant.. I guess I will post this, and tell myself that I have to start writing something here on a regular basis. It’s not that I have not been writing, just nothing blog worthy, or un-personal enough to post here for the unknown to read. But, that is going to end today.. or tomorrow.. I’ll get to it.. I promise?
Even now, after I’ve more or less forced myself to write something, I’ve been sitting here staring at this blank document for a good 30 minutes. Why is it so difficult to put my thoughts together these days? I started this blog years ago with the intention of keeping track of the madness that is my life; however, somewhere along the way, I’ve lost the passion, or perhaps discipline, to keep things updated on a regular basis. And, the more I think of it, I guess the same can be said for most other things in my life as of late.
It’s hard to believe that its’ been over a year since I packed my life up and moved back to Newfoundland. I remember leaving this place over seven years ago, sitting on the deck of the ferry as we crossed the gulf, and watching the rocky landscape fade away, thinking to myself that I would never return. Famous last words… as the years passed, I became increasingly more connected with my homeland and with each visit back to this unique land I found it harder to return to the dreaded mainland.
Add another three weeks…
Here I am again, wow… I managed to scribble down two weak paragraphs and disappeared again for the better part of a month. Well, I’m back, so let’s try it again…
It’s been a trying year, in a lot of ways, since returning back to Newfoundland. I can’t even begin to outline the drama and uncertainty involved in our departure from Windsor to here, but, alas, life tends to work itself out if stay positive (somewhat) and give it enough time. My life was a whirlwind before coming here last summer, and the extended vacation was supposed to be breather, but, with the job offer and decision to move back, well… the waves continued to crash into the inner most part of my rocky soul. In a lot of ways, things couldn’t be better but it took time to adjust. And, now that today marks the first real snowfall of the year, my mind has been wandering back to the depths of last winter’s deep and dark depression.
Hindsight is a motherfucker. The cyclical patterns are so easy to piece together now that I’ve long since removed myself from the glum of last year’s never ending winter season. And, I’ve told myself that there is no way I will return there… No way. But can you blame me? I went from having an indispensable income, and traveling on almost a monthly basis, to being stuck in the center of one of the worst winters in recent history. Add the fact that my car was in disrepair for the worst portion of the winter. So, I was on foot (in what felt like the high arctic), with the minimal of a friend network coupled with a mounting debt - a stranger in a strange land. Which was extremely hard to grasp, given the fact that I grew up here, but, everyone I knew, or cared for, had also packed in and moved away long ago. It’s not to say that we didn’t make friends fairly quickly, but, it felt as though not matter how much we did (or what we did) there was a looming emptiness. This in turn created a sequence of self indulgence, regret and further indulgence to rid one’s self of that remorse - each time digging a larger hole. And, the trouble with finding yourself deeper in a hole is that sooner or later it becomes harder to see the light (especially when there literally is no light from the sun to see). With that said, after a series of unfortunate events (which in turn opened our eyes in a lot of ways), Dani and I having been guiding each other not to fall into that hole again. Keep active, stay healthy, and live in the moment!
What else?
For the most part, summer was a blur. We had so many visitors come and go, mixed numerous with trips of our own, that it seemed like the season just came and went overnight. I purchased a new boat…
Oh look another month has passed..
It’s 2009! Where do I start.. Hmm..
And.. Here I am again! It’s April 16th and I found this pathetic file while trying to remove a nasty virus from my computer. The short synopsis is that I am getting married in almost three weeks and Dani is 18 weeks pregnant.. I guess I will post this, and tell myself that I have to start writing something here on a regular basis. It’s not that I have not been writing, just nothing blog worthy, or un-personal enough to post here for the unknown to read. But, that is going to end today.. or tomorrow.. I’ll get to it.. I promise?
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