Feltham Rambles

This is the transcript of the actual conversation of a US naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995 - radio conversation released by Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second biggest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change YOUR course 15 degrees north. That's one five degrees north, or counter measures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is the Cape Race Lighthouse. Your call.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/04/22/text.iq/

Since this link may not work after sometime, I have taken the liberty of pasting this interesting article in the space below, enjoy!

E-mails 'hurt IQ more than pot'
LONDON, England -- Workers distracted by phone calls, e-mails and text messages suffer a greater loss of IQ than a person smoking marijuana, a British study shows.

The constant interruptions reduce productivity and leave people feeling tired and lethargic, according to a survey carried out by TNS Research and commissioned by Hewlett Packard.

The survey of 1,100 Britons showed:

• Almost two out three people check their electronic messages out of office hours and when on holiday
• Half of all workers respond to an e-mail within 60 minutes of receiving one
• One in five will break off from a business or social engagement to respond to a message.
• Nine out of 10 people thought colleagues who answered messages during face-to-face meetings were rude, while three out of 10 believed it was not only acceptable, but a sign of diligence and efficiency.

But the mental impact of trying to balance a steady inflow of messages with getting on with normal work took its toll, the UK's Press Association reported.

In 80 clinical trials, Dr. Glenn Wilson, a psychiatrist at King's College London University, monitored the IQ of workers throughout the day.

He found the IQ of those who tried to juggle messages and work fell by 10 points -- the equivalent to missing a whole night's sleep and more than double the 4-point fall seen after smoking marijuana.

"This is a very real and widespread phenomenon," Wilson said. "We have found that this obsession with looking at messages, if unchecked, will damage a worker's performance by reducing their mental sharpness.

"Companies should encourage a more balanced and appropriate way of working."
Wilson said the IQ drop was even more significant in the men who took part in the tests.
"The research suggests that we are in danger of being caught up in a 24-hour 'always on' society," said David Smith of Hewlett Packard.

"This is more worrying when you consider the potential impairment on performance and concentration for workers, and the consequent impact on businesses."

Detroit deserves a pat on the back once again; the Motor city or Motown as they like to be called has made the top of another list. The problem with this repetitive list making is that it’s always on top of the wrong type of lists.

This month, corrupt city mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was named by Time magazine as the worst mayor in America. Congratulations Big Kwame! Keep it real! As if this city did not need more negativity associated with it, after all Detroit also made the number one spot on several other lists recently:

1) Most Dangerous City in America
2) Murder Capital of North America
3) Highest Crime Rate in America
4) STD Capital of America
5) Highest AIDS rate in America
6) Dirtiest City in America

The list goes on and on like the Energizer Bunny on acid, but I will stop now since I am sure you get the picture.

What is so compelling about all of Detroit’s shortcomings is that the people in this area could care less! I have lived in the Detroit metro area for less than two years now and have more faith and pride in this area than most people that have lived here their entire lives. Perhaps it is hard to care about anything, let alone a crumbling city behind the wheel of a Mercedes as you are leaving your three car garage in the safe white only suburbs.

As much as the people in the “burbs” of Detroit like to distance their selves from the city, they are a part of the metro. I know that this is hard for the common highbrow to swallow, but anyone looking in from the outside see all these snooty little cities as an extension of Detroit. Bottom line, if the inner city of Detroit benefits than in turn all the cities that make up the metro reap the rewards.

For example, do the suburban dimwits realize the capital opportunity in tourism? Even if they did, travelers are not going to come to Detroit until it cleans it act up. I can vision the tourism brochure now, “Abandoned buildings, daily drive by shootings, crack heads, and racism, just a few of things you and your family will embrace as you relax in the finest one star motel this side of Baghdad”

Why clean up the house when all you really need to do is sweep all the dirt under a mat and forget that it is there. You could say that it is human nature to turn a blind eye and pretend that things are not happening, but to the Americans this trait is second nature.

Good luck Detroit, because until your sister cities and its citizen start caring about you, I only see things getting worse before they get better. However, as a wise man once said, “When you hit rock bottom, you have nowhere else to go but up!"

I have been forwarded this email / joke at least five times, but I always find it amusing. I can never keep track of things, so by publishing it here I am by some ways archiving it for future use.

The funny thing is that I can relate to each any every friggin’ thing on this list…

You Know You're From Newfoundland When.........

1. You have never seen any celebrities except Buddy Wasisname.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
3. "Vacation" means going to St. John's for the weekend.
4. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular in Toronto.
5. You measure distance in hours.
6. You know several people who have hit a moose more then once.
7. Your classes have been cancelled because of snow.
8. You often switch from "heat" to A/C" in the same day.
9. You use a down comforter in the summer.
10. Your grandparents drive at 100km per hour through 13 feet of snow and a raging blizzard without flinching.
11. You plan all your financial future around bingo.
12. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
13. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
14. You think the 4 major food groups are: moose meat, beer, fish, berries.
15. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
16. Your girlfriend hunts & fishes more then you do.
17. There are 4 empty cars running in the parking lot of a convenience store at any given time.
18. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snow suit.
19. Driving is better in the winter because all the pot holes are filled with snow.
20. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pyjamas.
21. You think everyone outside Newfoundland has a accent, when it is really you!
22. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
23 You know the four seasons: Almost Winter,Winter, Still Winter, Construction.
24. It takes 3 hours to go to the mall for one item when you are in a rush because you have to
stop and talk to everyone in town.
25. YOU ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND THESE JOKES AND FORWARD THEM TO ALL YOUR
FRIENDS FROM NEWFOUNDLAND

Dear Blog,

I felt like shit this morning.

A blue-eyed beauty named Caroline changed that.

Now I don't feel like shit.

Yours Truly,

John

I was here at work today trying to put together another presentation while listening to random music when this song by Buddy Wasisname & The Other Fellas came on. I believe this particular tune was written by the talented Wayne Chaulk - the chorus does a perfect job of summing of my thoughts on the mother land...

Song for Newfoundland

She's bordered by inlets, tickles and sounds,
By reaches, by coves and by bays;.
She soothes your vision as you sail 'round her shores,
With a mixture of greens, browns and greys;
And the houses lie scattered among the rocks in the cove,
Trimmed with orange, green. yellow and blue;
In Twillingate, Fogo, and Little Hearts Ease,
Fortune, Trout River, Fermeuse.

She's a rocky isle in the ocean,
And she's pounded by wind from the sea;
You might think that she's rugged and cold,
But she's home sweet home to me.

Been tortured for centuries, her stories untold,
She's struggled with fortunes unknown;
Laid bare by the glaciers as they scraped her to the bone,
Taking soil to make Grand Bank shoals;
She's been battered for eons by the cold, biting winds,
Chewing rocks to soft beaches of sand;
And carving her face, and giving us a place,
That we now call Newfoundland.

She's a rocky isle in the ocean,
And she's pounded by wind from the sea;
You might think that she's rugged and cold,
But she's home sweet home to me.

The ocean surrounds her, it gives and it takes,
Like shepherd, lion and lamb;
The pounding and grinding is a constant reminding,
Of the forces that follow the calm;
From the fury of a blizzard on a cold winter's day,
To the quiet of a warm summer's day;
All hardships forgotten, old debts all repaid,
With a day on the quiet, peaceful bay.

She's a rocky isle in the ocean,
And she's pounded by wind from the sea;
You might think that she's rugged and cold,
But she's home sweet home to me.

Another one of my visitors have left me and now I have exactly nine days before I have some more guests, so I figured I would catch up on my sleep. After spending the last ten days on a magical mystery tour with my liver and lungs I hit the couch last night and hit it hard.

By 7:30p.m. I feel asleep watching Twister, which is strange because unlike other DVD’s that skip to the main selection screen after they are complete and stay there forever, this particular disc didn’t. I must have watched the last scene where the annoying Helen Hunt was chained to a rail as the tornado sucked the entire farm house away from her about four times. Talk about sketchy waking up so many times to the same scene… Am I really asleep? Is this a dream? Didn't I just watch this? Four hours have gone by? Is it just me or is Bill Paxton a fag? Why is this crappy DVD playing over and over again…

6:30a.m. my alarm goes off. 11 hours of sleep later, you would think that I would be ready to take on the world! No sir, I feel the same way that I feel when I get my normal five hours sleep or when I get the recommended eight hours sleep. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how much or little sleep that I get I still feel like crap in the morning, so why sleep more when I will feel the same way regardless, hello late nights.

I am on to your tricks Mr. Sandman.

Hungover like a homeless man today and looking for grease, we found our way to the local Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch. As good as the twelve spicy garlic wings were, the desert was better. Man’s greatest invention, wet naps. I am not talking about falling asleep in the middle of the day and waking up with a hard-on; I am referring to those little napkins that are soaked in something that smells like lemons.

Even if I don’t need to be cleaned, I still use at least three of them to cover my hands and face with its lemon chemical scented holiness. That’s it, I love wet naps and felt complied to jot it down, it’s the simple things that make live more enjoyable.

The weekend is almost here and once again it's on!

So apparently the brilliant Yanks thought it would make sense to launch a test missile somewhere in the north with debree dropping down off the coast of Newfoundland. Williams took the gloves off, cried Wolf and had the testing stopped (although the Americans would never admit to that).

Anyway, as I was thinking about this, I found a post on another Blog I frequent often that does a good job of summing it...

http://freenewfoundlandlabrador.blogspot.com/2005/04/us-launches-attack-on-newfoundland-and.html

Here is news relating to the debacle from CBC

http://stjohns.cbc.ca/regional/servlet/View?filename=nf-rocket-hibernia-050408

It seems that we humans travel together in groups based on our appearance and or hobbies. For example, ugly fat woman migrate around town together in herds and of course punks with faces that look like a testing ground for piercing materials and cheap ink seem to be stick with their own kind. The same can defiantly be said for hot chicks. Whenever you see one ditzy looking girl, you can be sure that there are another five of her posse lurking somewhere in the shadows, smearing on makeup or plotting elaborate schemes on how to milk men for free drinks at the club .

I have often thought, let me rephrase that… I have often dreamt of a factory out there that manufactured hot woman on some sort of high tech assembly line, this factory of course would aptly be named, The Hot Chick Factory. As much as I have traveled around I have never been able to follow a good set of clues to lead me to the Hot Chick Factory that was until earlier this week.

The future brother law and I were stumbling through downtown Detroit on Tuesday evening all the while there was a constant echoing of screaming voices off in the distance. As we trekked out of the crumbled area of downtown into the somewhat non fallout zone looking area the screeching became louder. Like the sailors from Ulysses Odyssey who were drawn into the beautiful voice of the sirens, Pete and I continued onward.

My search was over!

I had finally found the Hot Chick Factory in all of its glory. Literally thousands of beautiful girls lined down the street, obviously just fresh off the manufacturing line. As we followed the line of hot chicks through blocks within the city it was clear that the line would eventually lead us to utopia.

Within a second, my dream then abruptly turned into a nightmare as we discovered that this was not the output of the sacred Hot Chick Factory but rather the lineup for a Backstreet Boys concert. The Backstreet Boys?!? The Backstreet Boys?!? We don’t need no stinking Backstreet Boys!!!

Why in gods name would anyone pay good money to see these washed up, no talent having pieces of shit. What ever happened to real bands with a signer, lead guitar, rhythm guitar, bass and percussion? Just a group of homely looking guys who were blessed with the ability to Rock n’ Roll!

Rambling…

Foiled again…I will find the Hot Chick Factory one day, you wait and see… I will have the last laugh.

Speaking about getting tapped in the teeth, it seems like my pearly whites are finally starting to feel a little better. In retrospect, as uncomfortable as the dental work was I lost 8 pounds in the last two weeks from my inability to eat solid foods. Just in time for my hairy ass to look good in a Speedo in the summer… Who needs that crazy Atkins diet, when all you really need to do is get four teeth removed, pump yourself full of meds and eat soup for two weeks, yeah!

So it seems that the dirty little tramp that we call Mother Nature has finally dragged her ass out of the methadone clinic and sprung spring upon us. After four months of waking up in the dark, dragging my sleepy arse to the office, working all day and then leaving for home in the dark, it’s good to have some nice weather. The problem with nice weather though is that now I want to be confined by these walls even less and be outside frolicking in the sun. If you have never frolicked in the sun than you haven’t lived your live yet… not really sure what frolicking is, it sounds gay but somehow fun at the same time.

Well, the news down here in the good ol’ south is still showing coverage from the seal hunt in Newfoundland. Apparently last week shots were fired, some humane society dimwit was assaulted and had his camera broke as he was out on the ice flows interfering with the hunt. Of course the sealer was portrayed as a half witted savage due to his retaliation against this intruder at his work place.

Here’s some food for thought, let’s imagine that in the middle of doing my mindless office work, a web developer protester made his way into my desk and started criticizing me for what I did for a living all while pointing a camera directly into my face. You don’t have to be a genius to figure out what I might do to such a person. One can only imagine how painful it might be to be shitting out a video camera for the next two weeks. We live in a free democracy (or at least we like to think so) and I can accept people voicing their opinions, but when you begin to interfere with someone’s livelihood you have crossed a line in which you deserve whatever you get in return.