Feltham Rambles

I have a spell checker

That came with my PC.

It plainly marks four my review

Mistakes I cannot sea.

I've run this poem threw it,

I'm sure your pleased too no.

Its letter perfect in it's weigh

My checker tolled me sew

http://www.clublaugh.com/es-items/712.swf

This is just too funny...

I have been a Travel Agent for thirty years in Washington, D.C... Here are examples why we might just be in trouble!

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa." Her response (click).

A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada ?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on luggage tags? I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After > > going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, what ever!"

A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.

Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in.

If using a public washroom was not torture in its own right, now I have to hear people screaming into a piece of electronics while I am gasping for fresh air in there.

For starters, if I am standing in front of a urinal doing my thing and I have my most prized body part in my hand, DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT SAY A WORD TO ME!!! Maybe there is an exception if I know you very well and maybe we have been drinking, I will shoot the breeze for a quick second. However, a message to you total strangers out there who feel compelled to start chit chatting, do me a favor and keep it to yourself, or you might find that my aim will all of a sudden not be so great. Try explaining that piss stain down the entire side of leg to your date asshole.

As if the normal chit chat was not bad enough, I head to the washroom today and some dude is taking the nastiest smelling shit I have ever had the misfortune of smelling, all the while he is screaming on his cell phone. Is there something wrong with this picture? Your call can wait buddy, what did you do before you had the phone?

I don’t care if it’s the Olsen Twins calling me to come over for a threesome; the toilet is one place that I will not answer a phone.

http://www.izpitera.ru/lj/tetka.swf

...God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada.

"It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes teeming with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so that the inhabitants prosper, and I shall call these inhabitants Canadians. They shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," God replied. "Just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."

Well, today is the anniversary of my birth and I am at work. Happy Birthday John, for your birthday you get to sit in front of a computer and pretend that you care about what it is you are doing… What is it that I am doing again?

Anyway, let’s ask my good friend Bricktop how he feels about me working on my Birthday?





Thanks buddy, I knew I could count on you for words of wisdom.

Stumbled across this on Michael Moore's website a couple of days ago. It made me smile, but then it made me angry, and then smile again, and then angry again...

Friday, September 2nd, 2005
Vacation is Over... an open letter from Michael Moore to George W. Bush

Friday, September 2nd, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush:

Any idea where all our helicopters are? It's Day 5 of Hurricane Katrina and thousands remain stranded in New Orleans and need to be airlifted. Where on earth could you have misplaced all our military choppers? Do you need help finding them? I once lost my car in a Sears parking lot. Man, was that a drag.

Also, any idea where all our national guard soldiers are? We could really use them right now for the type of thing they signed up to do like helping with national disasters. How come they weren't there to begin with?

Last Thursday I was in south Florida and sat outside while the eye of Hurricane Katrina passed over my head. It was only a Category 1 then but it was pretty nasty. Eleven people died and, as of today, there were still homes without power. That night the weatherman said this storm was on its way to New Orleans. That was Thursday! Did anybody tell you? I know you didn't want to interrupt your vacation and I know how you don't like to get bad news. Plus, you had fundraisers to go to and mothers of dead soldiers to ignore and smear. You sure showed her!

I especially like how, the day after the hurricane, instead of flying to Louisiana, you flew to San Diego to party with your business peeps. Don't let people criticize you for this -- after all, the hurricane was over and what the heck could you do, put your finger in the dike?

And don't listen to those who, in the coming days, will reveal how you specifically reduced the Army Corps of Engineers' budget for New Orleans this summer for the third year in a row. You just tell them that even if you hadn't cut the money to fix those levees, there weren't going to be any Army engineers to fix them anyway because you had a much more important construction job for them -- BUILDING DEMOCRACY IN IRAQ!

On Day 3, when you finally left your vacation home, I have to say I was moved by how you had your Air Force One pilot descend from the clouds as you flew over New Orleans so you could catch a quick look of the disaster. Hey, I know you couldn't stop and grab a bullhorn and stand on some rubble and act like a commander in chief. Been there done that.

There will be those who will try to politicize this tragedy and try to use it against you. Just have your people keep pointing that out. Respond to nothing. Even those pesky scientists who predicted this would happen because the water in the Gulf of Mexico is getting hotter and hotter making a storm like this inevitable. Ignore them and all their global warming Chicken Littles. There is nothing unusual about a hurricane that was so wide it would be like having one F-4 tornado that stretched from New York to Cleveland.

No, Mr. Bush, you just stay the course. It's not your fault that 30 percent of New Orleans lives in poverty or that tens of thousands had no transportation to get out of town. C'mon, they're black! I mean, it's not like this happened to Kennebunkport. Can you imagine leaving white people on their roofs for five days? Don't make me laugh! Race has nothing -- NOTHING -- to do with this!

You hang in there, Mr. Bush. Just try to find a few of our Army helicopters and send them there. Pretend the people of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast are near Tikrit.

Yours,

Michael Moore
MMFlint@aol.com
www.MichaelMoore.com

P.S. That annoying mother, Cindy Sheehan, is no longer at your ranch. She and dozens of other relatives of the Iraqi War dead are now driving across the country, stopping in many cities along the way. Maybe you can catch up with them before they get to DC on September 21st.

"Dad damn you."

"Holy Mom, mother of me."

"Dad."

"Dad Damn it!"

"Myself almighty."

"Good me."

"Me, Mom, and Mom's husband ..."

"Me."

Apparently yesterday, my good friend George W. Bush flew over New Orleans to see first hand the damage caused by that slut Katrina.

He was quoted as saying, “There are tens of thousands of buildings damaged beyond repair and it will take billions of dollars and many years of effort to rebuild this great city”… Hmm… Are you sure that he wasn’t flying over Detroit???

Back in 1989 the band The Tragically Hip released one of their greatest albums "Up to Here". The best track on the album was New Orleans is Sinking. Hmmm...

New Orleans Is Sinking

Alright!

Bourbon blues on the street, loose and complete
Under skies all smoky blue green
I can't forsake a dixie dead shake
So we danced the sidewalk clean
My memory is muddy
What's this river that I'm in?
New Orleans is sinking man
And I don't wanna swim

Colonel Tom, what's wrong? what's going on?
You can't tie yourself up for a deal
He said, Hey north you're south shut your big mouth,
You gotta do what you feel is real
Ain't got no picture postcards, ain't got no souvenirs
My baby, she don't know me when I'm thinking bout those years

Pale as a light bulb hanging on a wire
Sucking up to someone just to stoke the fire
Picking out the highlights of the scenery
Saw a little cloud that looked a little like me

I had my hands in the river
My feet back up on the banks
Looked up to the lord above
And said, hey man thanks
Sometimes I fell so good, I gotta scream
She said Gordie baby I know exactly what you mean
She said, she said, I swear to god she said

My memory is muddy
What's this river that I'm in?
New Orleans is sinking man and I don't wanna swim

Swim!

Dear Abby,

I have been so very blessed throughout my life over the years. Great
parents, great wife, and kids, nice house, a great job, and a great
education.

When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend all my time just
enjoying my favorite pastime, bass fishing.

I even got my own little fishing boat and tried my best to get my wife
to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the
shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We
quickly became fishing buddies.

As I said before, the wife just doesn't care a thing about my Bass fishing: she not only refuses to join us, she also complains that I spend too much time Bass fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had just the best fishing trip ever. Not only
did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes
later Sam must have caught his twin brother!

So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught
and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing anymore at all! --
Ever!!!

And to top that off, she wants me to sell the boat!

I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself at all.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or
quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,

A fisherman

P.S. I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass that we
caught.