Feltham Rambles

December 9th, 2008

Even now, after I’ve more or less forced myself to write something, I’ve been sitting here staring at this blank document for a good 30 minutes. Why is it so difficult to put my thoughts together these days? I started this blog years ago with the intention of keeping track of the madness that is my life; however, somewhere along the way, I’ve lost the passion, or perhaps discipline, to keep things updated on a regular basis. And, the more I think of it, I guess the same can be said for most other things in my life as of late.

It’s hard to believe that its’ been over a year since I packed my life up and moved back to Newfoundland. I remember leaving this place over seven years ago, sitting on the deck of the ferry as we crossed the gulf, and watching the rocky landscape fade away, thinking to myself that I would never return. Famous last words… as the years passed, I became increasingly more connected with my homeland and with each visit back to this unique land I found it harder to return to the dreaded mainland.

Add another three weeks…

Here I am again, wow… I managed to scribble down two weak paragraphs and disappeared again for the better part of a month. Well, I’m back, so let’s try it again…

It’s been a trying year, in a lot of ways, since returning back to Newfoundland. I can’t even begin to outline the drama and uncertainty involved in our departure from Windsor to here, but, alas, life tends to work itself out if stay positive (somewhat) and give it enough time. My life was a whirlwind before coming here last summer, and the extended vacation was supposed to be breather, but, with the job offer and decision to move back, well… the waves continued to crash into the inner most part of my rocky soul. In a lot of ways, things couldn’t be better but it took time to adjust. And, now that today marks the first real snowfall of the year, my mind has been wandering back to the depths of last winter’s deep and dark depression.

Hindsight is a motherfucker. The cyclical patterns are so easy to piece together now that I’ve long since removed myself from the glum of last year’s never ending winter season. And, I’ve told myself that there is no way I will return there… No way. But can you blame me? I went from having an indispensable income, and traveling on almost a monthly basis, to being stuck in the center of one of the worst winters in recent history. Add the fact that my car was in disrepair for the worst portion of the winter. So, I was on foot (in what felt like the high arctic), with the minimal of a friend network coupled with a mounting debt - a stranger in a strange land. Which was extremely hard to grasp, given the fact that I grew up here, but, everyone I knew, or cared for, had also packed in and moved away long ago. It’s not to say that we didn’t make friends fairly quickly, but, it felt as though not matter how much we did (or what we did) there was a looming emptiness. This in turn created a sequence of self indulgence, regret and further indulgence to rid one’s self of that remorse - each time digging a larger hole. And, the trouble with finding yourself deeper in a hole is that sooner or later it becomes harder to see the light (especially when there literally is no light from the sun to see). With that said, after a series of unfortunate events (which in turn opened our eyes in a lot of ways), Dani and I having been guiding each other not to fall into that hole again. Keep active, stay healthy, and live in the moment!

What else?

For the most part, summer was a blur. We had so many visitors come and go, mixed numerous with trips of our own, that it seemed like the season just came and went overnight. I purchased a new boat…

Oh look another month has passed..

It’s 2009! Where do I start.. Hmm..

And.. Here I am again! It’s April 16th and I found this pathetic file while trying to remove a nasty virus from my computer. The short synopsis is that I am getting married in almost three weeks and Dani is 18 weeks pregnant.. I guess I will post this, and tell myself that I have to start writing something here on a regular basis. It’s not that I have not been writing, just nothing blog worthy, or un-personal enough to post here for the unknown to read. But, that is going to end today.. or tomorrow.. I’ll get to it.. I promise?

We got slammed by our first storm of the winter season this past weekend, knocking out power to over 100,000 people on the island; some areas of the Bonavista Peninsula are still without power today. Dani and I made the best of the situation, and curled up under candle light reading tidbits to each other from a book of facts about Newfoundland. Then, yesterday we got another healthy dose of winter, setting the scene for my first snow shoveling experience in about five years.

This morning I stood and gazed out the back window of our house towards the southside hills of St. John’s and watched the sun rise over the snow covered mountains and couldn’t stop smiling. We live around 10km from the eastern most point of the continent, and there’s a subtle joy about being the first to experience the light of day in North America.

As I look outside the window from my office – which is about 300 meters from the ocean – the sun beaming onto the ever melting snow, I can honestly say that I can’t recall a time in my life where I’ve been happier. Sure, there are still the constant ups and downs, but, so many things have finally fallen into place, and the future is so bright… I gotta wear shades (sorry, couldn’t resist) I feel as though I truly know who I am better than ever, and have a commanding sense of what I need to do in the coming years to continue this wave of success – both personally, and professionally.

Lunch break will be coming soon, and I will make the three minute drive to my home and relax for an hour before returning refreshed to the office. It’s only been a little over two months since I left my previous environment; however, I am centuries away mentally. It’s scary when you do the math, that in just two short months, I have been able to enjoy 80 more hours of my life that I would have spent in a car commuting from the United States of Ontario into the United States of America.

I have contractors redoing the entire outside of the house, and am anxious to see how much (or more so, how little) they have done this morning when I return for lunch. I will post some photos of the outside and upstairs once its done, but, here are a couple of photos from the first floor of the new home…

It’s Friday and time is winding down before the start of another wonderful weekend. Tonight is going to be awesome, Hey Rosetta! is playing downtown at the old Majestic Theatre and we are having a handful of people over for drinks before we stumble down over the hill to the club. Mudder was here over the past week, but, left early this morning to return to the end of the earth a.k.a. Fort McMurray, as always it was a great time, although they are too far and between. It was a locally star studded week for sure, it started off with Dani and I seeing Alan Doyle walking his baby across a cross walk in front of us, a few days later, Mom and I are eating lunch at the Rooms, and Sean McCann and some lady were eating at the table next to us, and then later that night, we had the unexpected pleasure to watch Ron Hynes play at a tiny bar in downtown. Ron is an incredible song writer and I was in awe of his presence and ability to captivate the small crowd. Speaking of music, I walked around downtown today during my lunch with some demos and spoke with a couple bar owners, and managed to secure at least one gig at Turners Tavern (110 Water Street) for Saturday December 1st. I have been continuing to write a lot and I am keeping my fingers crossed that I can find some suitable musicians to back me up in the near future.

I’ve been lazy for a long while now; once, twice, ten times… I lose track of how many times I hit snooze these days. Which is strange, because for so long, the moment the alarm would went off, I would fly out of bed like a scalded cat into the shower, then, within 15 minutes I would be dressed and out the door. I wouldn’t classify myself as a morning person, but, I have realized that I perform much better throughout the day when I get less sleep and get into work early. So… this morning I was up long before 6am and settled into work as the sun was coming up. It’s nice to be alone and buzzing along getting things done – well, with the exception of writing this garbage, but, I figured jotting this down would help me realize that I need to change my morning routine.

Tim Horton’s Drive-thru for an extra large coffee is a stop for me before crossing the tunnel at least three days of the week. For the most part I am served by the same lady at the window and she has always been overly nice to me, which is hard to find this days with any level of customer service. I couldn’t help but smile for a while driving in this morning, when after our usual 15 seconds of monologue she said that the highlight of her day was seeing me… Ahhh… how sweet…

I have been all over the place for some time now... I have been unsatisfied with so much of my life and the place I am in right now. From the casual observer, it would seem as though I 'have it made' and that I am a happy person; however, upon closer inspection you will find the exact opposite. I have not been able to distinguish the root of the issue and in the process have become elusive to the one person in this world that matters most to me. My heart has been broken numerous times; but, I feel a new pain as I write this, having broken my own heart this time by breaking the heart of the person I thought I would grow old with... Like everything in my life, I associate it some way, shape or form with music, and I can't help but think of Fountain of Sorrow by Jackson Browne

Looking through some photographs I found inside a drawer
I was taken by a photograph of you
There were one or two I know that you would have liked a little more
But they didnt show your spirit quite as true

You were turning round to see who was behind you
And I took your childish laughter by surprise
And at the moment that my camera happened to find you
There was just a trace of sorrow in your eyes

Now the things that I remember seem so distant and so small
Though it hasnt really been that long a time
What I was seeing wasnt what was happening at all
Although for a while, our path did seem to climb
But when you see through loves illusions, there lies the danger
And your perfect lover just looks like a perfect fool
So you go running off in search of a perfect stranger
While the loneliness seems to spring from your life
Like a fountain from a pool

Fountain of sorrow, fountain of light
Youve known that hollow sound of your own steps in flight
Youve had to hide sometimes, but now youre all right
And its good to see your smiling face tonight

Now for you and me it may not be that hard to reach our dreams
But that magic feeling never seems to last
And while the futures there for anyone to change, still you know its seems
It would be easier sometimes to change the past
Im just one or two years and a couple of changes behind you
In my lessons at loves pain and heartache school
Where if you feel too free and you need something to remind you
Theres this loneliness springing up from your life
Like a fountain from a pool

Fountain of sorrow, fountain of light
Youve known that hollow sound of your own steps in flight

Youve had to hide sometimes but now youre all right
And its good to see your smiling face tonight

Fountain of sorrow, fountain of light
Youve known that hollow sound of your own steps in flight
Youve had to struggle, youve had to fight
To keep understanding and compassion in sight
You could be laughing at me, youve got the right
But you go on smiling so clear and so bright

Whenever I return from my homeland, I feel as though I should write down something immediately about my trip. No doubt, I could jot down a baker’s dozen worth of humorous happenings, but, it’s a challenge to focus. The minute I pull up a memory, I get lost in the moment, and would rather sit and smile than do the clinkity-clankity on the old keyboard.

I would guess that this past trip was my tenth visit since leaving home. With each trip it becomes harder to return to the mainland. Everything just feels so right there, so familiar, but at the same time so different. The local art, literature and music scene is a testament in its self of that. People continue to express themselves and bring their sorrows out in a way that you don’t find most anywhere else in North America. Perhaps, it is prevalent in other cities, but, not as contained as St. John’s. Mix that with the unparalleled beauty of the area along with the charm and humour of the people, and you have my dilemma. How and when do I get back there?

I once heard that there is no greater pain in life than that experienced by someone who misses home. This is a constant turmoil in my life; some days are good, while others are horrible. The majority of people that I have met never understand this dilemma, but, then again few people come from a place where people preach country stronger than religion.

I’ll get to visit home in about three months, but, it will be a year since I was back. That is sad. But, this has been a way of life for a majority of Newfoundlanders for centuries now. My unrest reminds me of an old traditional song (which was recently popularized by Great Big Sea).

I was just the age of sixteen when I first went on the drive,
After six months hard labor, at home I did arrive.
I courted with a pretty girl, t'was her caused me to roam,
Now I'm just a river driver and I'm far away from home.

I'll eat when I am hungry and I'll drink when I am dry,
Get drunk whenever I'm ready, get sober by and by,
And if this river don't drown me, it's down I'll mean to roam,
For I'm a river driver and I'm far away from home.

I'll build a lonesome castle upon some mountain high,
Where she can sit and view me as I go passing by
Where she can sit and view me as I go marching on,
For I'm a river driver and I'm far away from home.

I'll eat when I am hungry and I'll drink when I am dry,
Get drunk whenever I'm ready, get sober by and by,
And if this river don't drown me, it's down I'll mean to roam,
For I'm a river driver and I'm far away from home.

When I am old and feeble and in my sickness lie,
Just wrap me up in a blanket and lay me down to die
Just get a little bluebird to sing for me alone,
For I'm a river driver and I'm far away from home.

I'll eat when I am hungry and I'll drink when I am dry,
Get drunk whenever I'm ready, get sober by and by,
And if this river don't drown me, it's down I'll mean to roam,
For I'm a river driver and I'm far away from home.

I'll eat when I am hungry and I'll drink when I am dry,
Get drunk whenever I'm ready, get sober by and by,
And if this river don't drown me, it's down I'll mean to roam,
For I'm a river driver and I'm far away from home.
For I'm a river driver and I'm far away from home.

I woke up this morning and drove 20 minutes into the office from my hotel, and couldn’t help but gaze in absolute marvel at the majestic snow-covered mountains surrounding Salt Lake City. It sure beat the normal view of burned out houses, rusty buildings and overall sense of despair I receive while driving through the city of excuses (Detroit) each morning. Like most new things, I suppose, the novelty of this area would wear off after sometime. But, I do believe we are products of our environment; our mood and overall sense of well-being can be affected by minor things such as our surroundings.

There is something truly special about mountains; their very presence makes me come alive. The ocean has the same effect on me, albeit greater. I remember my first return visit home after spending three months in landlocked Indiana. The plane landed in the winter fog of St. John’s and the second I stepped outside, my eyes clemed with tears as I took in that first breath of fresh ocean air. Like a drug addict getting his morning fix, or a rusty bolt getting some WD-40, the salt-water in my veins began to flow. I was left with a sense of well-being that I hadn’t felt since I left the bay months before.

As long as I am away, I don’t see this changing; the images and scent of the mountains and ocean have been etched into my brain. I can only long for a time when this imagery becomes a daily reality, rather than a distant memory or short trip like this week.

It's almost 3am and I can't sleep; I suppose sitting at this blasted computer is attributing to my restlessness, but, it’s better than sitting in bed watching mold grow on the ceiling.

An honest days work is required tomorrow, and it goes without saying that I will put in an effort greater than most; however, I can’t help but long for something more fulfilling. People will tell you that it’s only a job and you have to do what you have to do. Sounds alright I guess, until you factor in that you spend the majority of your life at the workplace. I don’t have a whole lot to complain about, although, I could be much happier doing what ever the hell it is I do. Well, enough about work, I have hours to worry about that retched beast...

It seems that every time I have somewhat of a plan as to where I want to be and what I truly desire to become, a monkey wrench is thrown into the mix. I only wish I had the balls to take more of a risk in my life. Sometimes I feel as though I grew up too fast and was driven to succeed at an early age. Is there a term for a person who constantly believes that the grass could be greener on the other side? Perhaps, it's called, "he doesn't know how good he has it." Oh well, if it weren’t for the constant turmoil, life would be pretty god damned boring, eh b’y.

Not sure where to start, I think this is the longest time I have gone without updating this cursed Blog. I guess I have been busy (wow, that’s an unique excuse).

I am flying to Fort McMurray, Alberta, tomorrow, and will be there until Sunday night. I have never been to the Fort before, but, it will be a great time for sure. The majority of my school mates and old friends live up there (along with me mudder), so I am very excited to spend time with friends and family. This will be the farthest north I have been in the world, so, perhaps I should actually bring a “real” winters coat with me. Although, I am not sure I even have one anymore, living the tropics of Canada and all at the moment. This will most likely change soon thought, stay posted on that subject…

I guess it's a good job that we have planes these days, as I don't think I would be up for the 3600Km drive from Windsor to there ;)

To say it has been an interesting two weeks would be an understatement. My eye surgery went ahead as planned on the 29th and things have not been the same since. For starters, I would not wish the pain and discomfort I suffered during the first five days on my worst enemy – okay, well actually I would, but let’s just say it wasn’t fun. As always, the painkillers made for interesting dreams and such, but, then when I stopped taking them, I couldn’t sleep for three or four nights. I guess I have an addictive body, as I seemed to be jonesing for the meds as soon as they were gone.

11 days later and I still can’t see perfect, but I don’t have any need for glasses or contacts (I will actually be burning them this weekend, if you would like to join the ceremony, give me a ring). However, I did receive an infection in my left eye and it is still worrying me as my right eye is 20/20 and the left is only slightly better than before. I’ll keep the faith and hope that things improve over the next week.

Given the fact that I am actually sitting on a computer at 1:30am on Christmas day is proof enough that this is a different holiday for me. It’s the first time in my short existence that I have not spent the celebration of the birth of a great swear word (give it a minute, it will come to you) outside of Newfoundland – more importantly without my family.

Carrie has been working slave hours at the juvenile delinquent asylum, which I will try to remember the next time I complain about my job. Ebenezer Scrooge penned her in for four midnights in a row (from the 23rd to 26th), so basically she has been working all night and sleeping all day. Yours truly has been biding his time with booze, food and movies, which would generally keep me content. And, as much as I try to look on the brightside of things, I can’t help but long for my family, friends, tradition and the freeze briny breeze of the ocean.

Let’s hope this is the last time it happens; and as I polish off this bottle or black rum, I will smile at some digital memories from the last five holidays…