Feltham Rambles

10. Farting

This bodily function occurs during romantic, familiar sex. Let’s face it – you usually aren’t relaxed enough during sex with someone new to let one rip. If you fart audibly during intercourse, try masking your blunder with loud dirty talk. Ladies, if you squeeze one out while he’s going down on you, just grin and bear it. A quick “sorry” might be in order if it’s a stinker. Men, farting is slightly more socially acceptable for you. Just remember that Brodie got dumped for it in “Mallrats.” Then again, he was dating scary Shannen Doherty, so maybe letting one loose can work in a guy’s favor.

9. Nether-fros

You weren’t planning on having sex tonight and Cabo isn’t ’til next month. Scrimping on waxing or trimming during winter? We all do. But if your bush obscures your partner’s head when he or she gives you head, forgo the oral sex or you’ll risk swallowing your own pubes during that post-coital kiss. Yummy.

8. Botched deep-throats

Girls: Remember that chick in the cafeteria who used to shove an entire banana down her throat to impress dudes? You’re not her. Handle your man’s schlong like a tropical fruit and the only release of bodily fluid is going to be you vomiting on his penis. Remember, you have a gag reflex for a reason! Guys: It feels unreal to be deep-throated, but have you ever maintained an erection after being puked on? Listen for choking noises and respond accordingly.

7. Anal explosions

Some asshole I know got pooped on during anal and he told his entire fraternity. The offender was thus deprived of sex, anal and otherwise, for the remainder of her college career. The lesson here? Always prepare for butt sex. Taking a poo and then aggressively wiping yourself beforehand is a must for women. Guys: don’t act all scandalized if your dick comes out of her ass looking like a Jello Pudding Pop. Yes, your girlfriend is pretty, but she doesn’t shit strawberries and glitter.

6. “Breaking” the penis

The girl’s on top and she comes down on the guy in a passionate, long thrust. The guy groans loudly. Did he come already? she wonders. Suddenly, he throws her off of him, curls into a fetal position and whimpers. She’s “broken” his penis. Rule of thumb: the guy should always hold the girl’s waist if she’s on top to help control the angle of thrusting.

5. UTIs

After a night of nookie, you fall blissfully asleep in each other’s arms, not caring to brush your teeth, wash your face or pee. You’re planning on spending the following day together, when she wakes up at 5 a.m. with a strong urge to urinate. She then flees the apartment. Guys: Stop pretending to like cuddling. Get up after sex and do something in the bathroom so she doesn’t feel like if she gets up to pee, she’ll be missing out on a spoon-fest. Girls: Respect your poon – pish after sex.

4. Spitting ungracefully

Fellatio should end neatly. Ladies, either swallow the love juice or slurp all of it into your mouth before swooping into the bathroom to spit. Do not drool his come all over his penis. Only men are allowed to drool when giving oral sex, and that’s because they don’t know any better.

3. Sex with Aunt Flo

She’s not supposed to visit for two more days, you’re in the middle of foreplay, and suddenly his hands are a little bloody. Fuck! If you’ve been dating awhile, this isn’t a deal breaker. If you haven’t been dating awhile, you sure as hell aren’t going to start now. Girls, know your schedule. Guys, it’s Mother Nature – deal with it.

2. The queef

This unpleasantry is defined as the act of farting through the vagina. Queefing usually occurs during hard thrusting, when air gets caught in the coochie. Girls can pass off the noise as a compliment: “You were doing me so hard, I couldn’t contain myself.” Guys, if this happens, best not to say anything. Make fun of her and it’ll guarantee you won’t be coming – or coming back for more.

1. Why is my eye swollen?

Some men prefer to come on women as opposed to in women. But sometimes he doesn’t just want to come on her tits or ass. Sometimes he likes to ejaculate on her face. Sometimes he misses. And sometimes her eye is swollen for the next 48 hours.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? ~ Scott Adams

Sometimes these "heartwarming" stories are a bit too sappy for me but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted lou dly, turned, and walked away.. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down with my thoughts and actually put the almighty pen to paper, or, is it putting fingers to keys? Well, that’s not entirely true, I have been writing, just not updating this weblog. Actually, I have been writing a couple of songs since I returned from my annual pilgrimage to Newfoundland (more to come on that). An old friend of the family made a remark when I was home, that sparked an idea of a composing a more traditional feeling song on the trials and tribulations of leaving your home and how things change when you have been away, and I must say, it’s been coming along pretty well. With that in mind, I wish I could get myself to sit down and write music more often than I do, whether the end product is great or not can be debatable, but, I can generally whip something out pretty fast, just lacking in the collaboration department. I can hear in my head where and how the other instruments sound with the song, problem is finding the other instruments, people I mean… yes, people.

Speaking of returning to Newfoundland, the trip was a success on a couple different fronts. I can honestly say that it was the best vacation that I have been on, and as always I discovered another pile of awesome places around the island, while shedding about 1,000,000 pounds of stress in the process. I haven’t been known to proclaim much about my relationships, but, Dani and I are very much in love and this trip was another seal in the deal to me that she is exactly the type of person I need in my life, let me rephrase that, we are the people that each of us need in our lives; lots to look forward too kiddies… We got an abundance of beautiful shots from around the secret nation and I hope to get the patience the post some here soon. While I was home, I also looked into a job with a local Newfoundland company, and have been entertaining the thought of switching careers and industries. I won’t get ahead of myself, as there is a lot to be ironed out, but, the thought of living and working in downtown in St. John’s is enough to make one shit his pants.

My birthday was last Friday, yaaaaa for me! It was a goodtime, but, the night before was the best part of the weekend. Dani made a last minute decision to drive to London and catch Hey Rosetta! We have both been listening to them a lot over the last while, me to the point of becoming a fanatic I think. They are without a doubt making the best new music out there in my humble opinion. We actually met and spoke with the brainchild of the group Tim Baker before the show, he was really a nice down to earth guy. The show was deadly, although I think the band was a little different than what the locales are used to listening to at the particular venue. Then after the show we stuck around for a drink and spoke with most of the members. So… good-mother-fucking-times all around. That’s it for now I guess… Check out this video below of Hey Rosetta! Live from Club One in downtown St. John’s