Feltham Rambles

I am about to leave in an hour for the motherland. It has been four years since I have been back to Newfoundland in the summer, to say that I am thrilled would be an understatement.

I thought I would take a moment to say, screw this place and all the people in it (except for a few and you know who you are!!!) ‘cause I am going home!!!

I have enrolled in a new program towards my BSc in Information Science and finally set aside some time tonight to dig into the course. While playing the role of the "good student" out of nowhere, Real Player bent me over my desk and violently rammed me up the ass with it's useless software.

What is the purpose of streaming media? I wish someone would tell me, because frankly I am sick to my stomach with it. At least 80% of the time when I try to watch a video within Real Player that has steaming media it craps out on me. Just let me download the cursed video to my local PC and I will then watch it on my own time!!!

Instead of my getting course related material through this mandatory video I am now writing in the world of Blog.

To Real Player and any other geniuses out there that feel that streaming media is the way to go, YOU CAN KISS MY HAIRY ASS WITH YOUR TOUNGE OUT!!!

O’ Man. I have been on the go.

I haven’t felt this good in a while. The sun has been splitting the rocks here in Southern Ontario. It has almost been too hot, especially since this area has some of the worst quality of air in Canada. Oh well, if it’s not one thing killing us it’s the other, just try to keep the windows closed when sleeping; don’t need to breath in the burning steel from Detroit.

Anyway, as active as we have been in the summer, it has been great this past couple of weeks to step it up a notch.

Rollerblading down through the city to the riverfront is awesome, spinning and hopping off steps and rails before reaching the river and doing a 14Km round trip on the riverfront. You pass so many people enjoying their lives, relaxing with the best view of the Detroit city line. I am in no way an expert in the subject, but perhaps a good pamphlet for the riverfront park should say, “Have you always wanted to see historic Detroit crumble, but are allergic to crack heads? Then we are your park! Enjoy all the Best views of Detroit without “the other stuff”.

My buddy Kevin and I drove down to Hicksville, Ohio in the early A.M on Saturday to the WhiteStar Quarry and got in two decent dives, although the visibility was the pits.

Sunday morning Carrie and I were up at the crack of dawn and off to the races. We were part of a 22 person crew on an International Dragon Boat Race. After spending the entire day in the sun and racing like savages, we made it to the final heat in Division A. Somehow we fell apart when the pressure was on… However, we finished 4th overall out of a total of 47 boats. We missed a medal by a hundredth of a second. Overall it was a killer time and a great cause, also to say that I was sore on Monday morning would be an understatement.

Photos here = http://felthamkeats.smugmug.com/gallery/669131

After a couple of rides through the city last week, I finally got my bike out on the trail in Michigan today with my co-worker Martha. I bought a bike last week from another co-worker Kurt (why does one feel compelled to always add the label “co-worker” in front of someone that you work with? We have too many formalities). Let me rephrase the beginning of the paragraph… This evening I went out with my friend Martha after work with the bike I bought off my buddy Kurt. Now that we have that straightened away…

The ride was great, it has been so long since I have been on a trail and the bike is great (although it needs some minor modifications) we did a little over 22Km which was not too bad for my first day out and I feel great now!

I guess the moral of this story is… wait a minute…did I start out with a moral? Well, if there was a moral of this story, it would be, exercise makes me feel great and I hope I can keep this trend up, ‘cause damn it’s so much easier being a fat ass.

9 out of 10 Werewolves agree that No Name Louisiana Hot Sauce is better than Frank's Red Hot Sauce.

Confused?... So Am I.

My Sharona - The Knack

This sucks on some many levels... Please visit the link below and respond, if there is a god, someone else out there has a song more horrible than mine...

http://uzful.org/number_one_day_born.php

What makes this sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much worse is that anytime I hear this dreadful song, all I can hear is Cheech sing (from the movie Up in Smoke, I think) ... MY SCROTUM!

Enough is enough, I am sick of seeing these supermarket woman magazines with their unrealistic answers to questions, pointless articles and endless surveys. Here’s a sample of the new Dear Feltham Man’s answer to Cosmo type questions…


Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you loose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s a great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, a present it to your husband as a gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.