Feltham Rambles

Pulling On My Cock - Every experience I have ever had with this has been a bad one. Most guys know what I’m talking about: When a girl grabs a hold of your junk and starts yanking like it’s a goddamn game of tug of war. I know that I might be a little *too* accustomed to old righty, but when most females go at it, it’s downright painful. Do us a favor and go with fellatio.

Oral Without Being Asked - This is a big one (that’s what she said) - All guys like oral. If they say that they don’t, then you probably aren’t doing it right. It’s a pain in the ass when the fem doesn’t take the reigns and go down.

It leaves the guy wondering how to approach the situation. Do we ask for it? Do we nudge her head down? These are the make or break questions that can kill the mood. Females need to make it easier for us and just go for it.

Take Pornstars for example. There job is to have sex. In my 27 years of existence, I have never seen a Pornstar not go down on her own accord. Ladies, follow by example from the professionals. They know what they are doing.

Being On Top Without Being Asked - Ok. We all know that sex is work. It isn’t fair to the men when the women just want to lay there and let us put in all of the effort. It’s nice to have a break and let the woman do some work. Now there are some women out there who think its enough to just lay there and that’s it. Well Fuck that I say. Ladies, please take your turn on top, without being asked.

Saying The Right Thing - This is another one that is often overlooked. Ladies listen up. It is crucial you tell the guy how amazing he is at sex (or something along those lines), even if he sucks. The reason being he will work that much harder to please you. I don’t care how good I am, but if a girl tells me that I’m king of the jungle, you can bet your ass I’m going to try that much harder. Write it down ladies.

Put Effort Into It - This one is similar to “Being On Top Without Being Asked”. Nothing is worse than when a girl just lays there like a dead fish. I have never experienced this personally, but I have heard a few horror stories. Ladies, you need to be vocal, change up the positions and tell the guy what you like. Think of sex as a savings account; The more you put into it, the more you’ll get out of it? Yea, I know it’s a stretch, but it’s late and I can’t think of a better analogy.

Vaginal Cleanliness - Do I even have to explain this one? I’ve ran into a few poorly kept vajayjay’s in my lifetime and there is no way to recover from it. IT KILLS THE MOOD so please work with us ladies. Keep it clean, keep it trimmed.

Direct The Guy - Let’s be honest. When most guys have sex, they only want to get themselves off. If along the way, the girl happens to orgasm, well that is a bonus. Well this isn’t always the situation but if you want to avoid it altogether, tell the guy what to do, where to put it, how fast to go, etc. This will let the guy think he is the man and you get your rocks off at the same time. Win-Win.

Make The Move - This one is a bit more personal. It’s a nice change of pace every once in a while when the girl “makes the move”. By “make the move”, I mean initiate the foreplay or moving from position to position. This is kind of the same thing as “Put Effort Into It” except is requires the woman to take initial action. I’m not saying ALL the time, but sometimes.

Take Off The Bra Yourself - I swear that bras were invented to make my life a living hell. I can never get it off on the first try (although I am getting better). Whenever I come across that rare moment when the bra is already off, or it is somehow built into the shirt, I am overwhelmed with joy. I’m talking Christmas morning overwhelmed.

Not Kissing After Oral - I absolutely hate it when a girl refuses to kiss a guy after he has gone down. Give me a break. If you think it’s that disgusting, we shouldn’t have to go south to begin with. I think most guys would still kiss the woman after they go down as long as no ejaculation occurs. Get over yourselves.